15 February 2008 @ 8:55AM >> Global Warming has become so strong and so pervasive that even imaginary creatures are becoming extinct:

LEGENDARY Nessie hunter Robert Rines is giving up his search for the monster after 37 years.

The 85-year-old American will make one last trip in a bid to find the elusive beast.

After almost four decades of fruitless expeditions, he admitted: “Unfortunately, I’m running out of age.”

World War II veteran Robert has devoted almost half his life to scouring Loch Ness.

He started in 1971. The following year, he watched a 25ft-long hump with the texture of elephant skin gliding through the water.

His original trip was to help another monster hunter with sonar equipment and quickly identified large moving targets.

He was smitten and returned the next year, which is when, he says: “I had the misfortune of seeing one of these things with my own eyes.”

Since then, he has been obsessed with tracking down the creature with a staggering array of hi-tech equipment. It was this gear that took the famous “flipper” picture that year which created a stir around the world.

Despite having hundreds of sonar contacts over the years, the trail has since gone cold and Rines believes that Nessie may be dead, a victim of global warming.

Come to think of it, I haven’t seen that many unicorns or leprechauns recently, either.

9 February 2008 @ 2:12PM >> I don’t know who this would freak out more: New Yorkers or tourists...?

20 January 2008 @ 12:13PM >> Today’s quote of the day comes courtesy of the pastor at Senator Barack Obama’s church:

Some argue that blacks should vote for Clinton because her husband was good to us. That’s not true. He did the same thing to us that he did to Monica Lewinsky.Rev. Jeremiah Wright
Trinity United Church of Christ

Now, in the interest of fairness, I should balance that critique of America’s First Black President with a few words in support of his wife:

29 December 2007 @ 1:13PM >> How did this Photoshopped picture make it from a satirical website run by some friends of mine to the Iranian Press TV website? For the hilarious story, visit The People’s Cube.

1 December 2007 @ 2:54PM >> I just found the perfect stocking stuffer!

There are a few items listed under “customers also bought,” however, that might not make such great gifts.

26 September 2007 @ 9:00AM >> This Washington Monthly column reminded me of something...

Recently, The New York Times announced that they were ending TimesSelect, the wall that the paper built around their opinion columnists to prevent non-subscribers from reading them online.

When TimesSelect was announced, some folks reacted as if Ambien had just been taken off the market. Without the interchangeable columns of Bob Herbert, how were people supposed to ease their way into dreamland?

To solve such a weighty problem, I wrote a piece of software called Automatic Bob, the bot that generates Bob Herbert columns in much the same way that the author himself does.

I did not have time to build sentience into Automatic Bob, but I’m sure if he had feelings, he’d sense the bittersweet nature of this moment. On the one hand, Automatic Bob’s mentor—the real Bob—is back. But on the other hand, will Human Bob’s return lead to a decommissioning of AutoBob?

Not to worry!

You see, even though Human Bob has returned to the public web, he is still human and therefore only capable of generating a small number of columns each month. AutoBob has no such limitation.

So, even though the TimesSelect wall is down and there is nothing standing between you and the latest Bob Herbert column except a free registration, Automatic Bob will remain ready to serve you for all those times when your insomnia requires something stronger than the mere trickle of columns that a Human Bob can produce.

31 May 2007 @ 12:38PM >> I always thought that a “Tunnel of Oppression” was nothing more than a brilliant parody concocted by the minds of Trey Parker and Matt Stone. But I guess I was wrong. And just where will you find a “Tunnel of Oppression” out in the world beyond South Park? Why, on a college campus, of course! (Quite many of them, it seems.)

If you’re having trouble imaging what a “Tunnel of Oppression” might look like, here are some videos to get you started. (One question, though: why does it have to be a tunnel, exactly?)

This education in political correctness has been brought to you by today’s Quote of the Day, courtesy of John Derbyshire:

I have this flash mental image of a stranger showing up on an American campus and asking someone for directions to the Dean’s office. “Sure: you keep right going here, turn left at the Museum of Tolerance, past the Office of Diversity Awareness, cross over Peace Plaza, hang another left at the Matthew Shepard memorial, around behind the Tunnel of Oppression, and it’s right there, next to the Global Warming Awareness study hall...”

13 February 2007 @ 7:45AM >> Apparently, Al Gore is capable of singlehandedly combating global warming just by his mere presence.

A couple years ago, I gathered evidence of his ability to do this myself.

If global warming is man-made, maybe the solution is simply to clone Al Gore and to place the clones strategically around the planet.

7 February 2007 @ 9:02AM >> Democrats love to talk about our supposed lost freedoms in the wake of September 11th. But they have no problem trying to regulate the most mundane details of our day-to-day lives. In California, a Democrat-sponsored bill would outlaw incandescent lights and force everyone to live in homes with doctor’s office lighting. And now, a New York Democrat is trying to make it illegal to cross a street while listening to music or talking on the phone.

Add that to the growing list of other ways the nanny-politicians want to regulate our lives (banning the use of trans-fats in restaurants, removing foie gras from the menu, outlawing smoking in your home and your car, etc., etc.), and it’s pretty clear where our freedoms are really being lost.

But if you think about it, we should really be grateful. We’re too stupid to make these decisions on our own. We might hurt ourselves. Or someone else. Or maybe even a poor, defenseless goose. Thankfully, we have the crushing embrace of the nanny state to protect us from the horrors of the world.

The question is, does all this really go far enough? Why waste years and years making incremental changes? Think of all the people who might get hurt in the meantime. We need something comprehensive, something that’ll start saving lives today.

In that spirit, I propose the Universal Safety Act (USA). It’s a very simple three-step plan to ensure that everything is always safe. All corners must be rounded, all objects must be encased in rubberized protectant, and all citizens must wear head-to-toe suits made out of bubble wrap.

So, support the USA, and do it for the children: us.

27 January 2007 @ 5:38AM >> For some reason, most Manhattanites I know reflexively oppose Wal-Mart setting up shop in our slender island borough. However, there are at least three women here who don’t. And, as if by coincidence, they all managed to simultaneously occupy the same room.

28 November 2006 >> How much longer must women endure the suffrage?

8 November 2006 @ 10:53AM >> “I need some help. I need some mental help is what I need.” Video >>

25 October 2006 @ 8:15AM >> Imagine The View (but with younger women) combined with The Daily Show (but with a more right-of-center sensibility), and the result might look something like The America Show.

24 October 2006 @ 8:08AM >>

The gavel of the speaker of the House is in the hands of special interests, and now it will be in the hands of America’s children.Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, the San Francisco Democrat who’s convinced she will soon be Speaker of the House

(Hat tip: Mickey Kaus.)

20 September 2006 >> In a parallel universe, political correctness infects the Muslim world instead of the West. Hilarity ensues.

15 September 2006 >> An uncle e-mailed me this story with the comment, “Maybe Brad and Angelina should move to Sudan.”

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his “wife”, after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat’s owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

[...]

“When I asked him: ‘What are you doing there?’, he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up”.

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

“They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife,” Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

And how are man-and-goat today?

“We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together,” Mr Alifi said.

26 August 2006 @ 1:20PM >> This letter was apparently sent to Maryland Senator Paul Sarbanes by one of his constituents:

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.

I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin

(Hat tip: Mona Charen.)

11 August 2006 @ 8:53AM >> The Quote of the Day, “Should’ve stayed on the weed,” is from Glenn Reynolds, in response to this tidbit about one of the people plotting yesterday’s thwarted terrorist attack:

Neighbors identified one of the suspects as Don Stewart-Whyte, 21, from High Wycombe, a convert who changed his name to Abdul Waheed.

“He converted to Islam about six months ago and grew a full beard,” said a neighbor, who refused to be identified. “He used to smoke weed and drink a lot but he is completely different now.”

2 May 2006 >> According to Nancy Kruh of The Dallas Morning News, veteran New York Times columnist Bob Herbert has been stuck in a rut for years. “For several months now,” Kruh writes, “as I’ve read one Iraq war column after another, one thought always comes to mind: Um, haven’t I read this before? So, yesterday, I finally immersed myself in Lexis-Nexis to try to quantify and qualify this phenomenon.”

What Kruh discovered is that many of Herbert’s columns during the Bush presidency contain similar, interchangeable passages. She cites a number of examples that make it seem like your average Herbert column is just a random recombination of verbiage from earlier columns.

Given the paper’s recent stock performance and rumblings from restless investors, I thought I’d help the Times find ways to put out the same product for less money. So I spent about fifteen minutes writing software that can generate Bob Herbert columns while using a minimal amount of our Earth’s precious resources. More >>

17 April 2006 @ 9:50AM >> If this device had been invented earlier, Al Gore or John Kerry could be living in the White House today.

16 March 2006 >> In an e-mail:

Two boys in Boston were throwing a baseball around when one was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy picked up a large stick, wedged it into the dog’s collar and twisted it, snapping the dog’s neck.

A reporter from the Boston Globe who witnessed the whole incident rushes over to interview the brave boy.

The reporter pulls out his laptop and starts typing. The headline reads: “Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal.”

“But,” the boy interjects, “I’m not a Red Sox fan.”

Tapping the delete key, the reporter replies, “Sorry, but I saw you playing baseball, and since we’re here in Boston, I just figured you had to be.”

The reporter’s fingers start flying around the keyboard again. The new headline: “John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Dog Attack.”

“But I’m not a Kerry fan, either,” the boy responds.

The reporter, looking dejected, says, “Sorry young tyke. Since you’re not a Red Sox fan, I figured you were at least for Kerry.”

“Well, I’m sorry to say that’s not correct,” the boy replies. “I’m a Texas Rangers fan and I really like President Bush.”

Relieved, the reporter finally has his angle for the story: “Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

24 February 2006 @ 1:51PM >> Here’s a funny and endearing 15-minute video that has nothing to do with politics but is not at all politically correct: Yellow Fever. Enjoy!

22 February 2006 >> Looks like the Bush Administration has another security-related scandal to worry about:

Government documents declassified today reveal that President Bush was briefed last summer of “a substantial risk” that Vice President Dick Cheney would shoot an elderly male in the face sometime in the next several months.

[...]

In a Presidential Daily Briefing given to Bush in August 2005, the CIA warned that the vice president was a potent threat to the senior population at large, and in particular “possessed the capabilities and intentions to spray a senior citizen with projectiles fired from a shotgun or other weapon.” A second brief identified the population at risk as those “between 70 and 80 years of age,” and warned that the vice president posed the greatest threat to “seniors in close proximity to the vice president when he is armed.”

The brief, which urged the White House to take “the most thorough possible precautions to disable this threat to the faces, necks, and chests of the nation’s elderly,” was issued a full six months before the events of Feb. 11.

[...]

“To learn that the president’s own people advised him in advance of the strong likelihood that Cheney might spray a helpless geriatric victim with bird shot, and still he did nothing, brings to light very serious concerns about this administration’s Cheney-containment policies,” said Victor Steinberg, director of the Froman Institute, a D.C.-based organization that monitors vice-presidential violence.

21 February 2006 >> Yeah, I want to hand my money over to an outfit called “Violent Cooperation Company”:

Our companys name is VC “Violent Cooperation.” Violent Cooperation inc. was founded in 2001 with the purpose to finally solve the dilemma between seller and buyer: “Will the buyer send money or does seller send out the goods first?” At one moment when many action sites started up Violent Cooperation’s Escrow Service, the decision of a unique problem has been found to a very common, sore problem. Violent Cooperation has opened a consumer-to-consumer market in the USA, amongst them eBay is known.

(From a spam e-mail recently received.)

20 January 2006 @ 6:19PM >> Recently, Mayor Ray Nagin declared that New Orleans would be a “chocolate city.” However, as the Borowitz Report website indicates, Nagin’s wish for a chocolate city may not be possible:

Days after the Mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, predicted that New Orleans would soon be a “chocolate city” again, the Army Corps of Engineers (USACE) poured cold water on those plans, arguing that building a city out of chocolate was “unfeasible.”

Harland DeBellis, a spokesperson for the USACE, said that the agency had given plans for a city constructed entirely out of chocolate the thumbs down only after engineers painstakingly built a scale model of New Orleans out of Hershey’s bars and found the results “problematic.”

“If the existing levees in New Orleans were breached by the flood waters of Katrina, imagine how much worse they would have been if they had been made out of chocolate,” Mr. DeBellis said at a press briefing in Washington today. “Chocolate is simply not a suitable building material.”

17 December 2005 @ 10:57AM >> There are many reasons why music CDs make unwise purchases.

But for those parents who still don’t quite get it, here’s a website that will help you make the right purchase for your kids.

15 December 2005 >> Behold: the Top Media Corrections of 2005.

1 December 2005 @ 1:28PM >> An unsigned joke via e-mail:

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, remember this story...

Bob and Sarah are driving from Key West to Boston to visit their daughter in college. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, so they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk gives them a bill for $350. Bob explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms are certainly not worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, Bob insists on speaking to the manager. The manager appears, listens to Bob, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool, a huge conference center, and free wireless Internet available for their use.

“But we didn’t use them,” Bob complains.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” the manager replies.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows.”

“Well, we have them, and you could have.”

No matter what facility the manager mentions, Bob replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved, and eventually Bob gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager.

The manager takes the check and looks at it, confused. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $50.”

“That’s right,” says Bob. “I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.”

Taken aback, the manager exclaims, “Sir! I did not sleep with your wife!”

“Well, that’s too bad,” Bob replies. “Because she was here, and you could have.”

9 October 2005 @ 4:27PM >> Last month, I noted a report that the Danish government pays for prostitutes to have sex with disabled citizens. Well, that’s not quite enough for Torben Hansen, whose limited mobility means that his sexual servants must make house-calls. But that also means that he faces higher hooker bills than if could get to a brothel himself, and those extra fees are apparently not covered by the Danish government.

According to the BBC, Hansen “believes his local authority should pay the extra charge he incurs when he hires a sex worker”:

“I want them to cover the extra expenses for the prostitutes to get here, because it’s a lot more expensive getting them to come to my home rather than me going to a brothel,” Mr Hansen told BBC World Service’s Outlook programme.

“It’s a necessity for me. I can’t move very well, and it’s impossible for me to go there.”

[...]

“It’s unfair to deny people with disabilities the right to a sex life,” he added.

Hey, isn’t it unfair to deny anyone the right to a sex life? If so, then we have an interesting new opportunity for personal injury lawsuits. Get turned down by a pretty girl at a bar? Sue her! She stifled your right to a sex life!

I wish I’d thought of this years ago...

8 October 2005 @ 2:53PM >> With life as hectic as it is these days, it’s sometimes difficult to find the time to sit down and write your own witty protest sign slogans. That’s why the good folks at The People’s Cube created the Progressive Truth Generator. Plug in the name of your favorite right-wing oppressor (or request a generic denunciation), and out spits a scathing condemnation of your target complete with all the necessary buzzwords.

I tried it myself:

Evan, you are a cold-hearted racist because you think the Founding Fathers contributed something positive to humankind!

Pretty accurate.