2 November 2009 >> From an e-mail that’s been circulating recently, the Joke of the Day:

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama go to heaven.

God addresses Gore first. “Al, what do you believe in?”

Gore replies: “Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.”

God thinks for a second and says: “Very good. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Clinton replies: “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.”

God thinks for a second and says: “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.”

Then God addresses Obama. “Barack, what do you believe in?”

Obama replies...

“I believe you’re in my chair.”

13 June 2009 @ 4:34PM >> Received in an e-mail forward recently:

Sam, a U.S. Naval Officer, visits New York City for Fleet Week.

With the afternoon off, he decides to see the Bronx Zoo. Dressing in civilian clothes so as not to attract attention, he blends in well with the other tourists.

As Sam strolls by the lion’s cage, he notices a little girl leaning into the bars, grabbing towards the lion to try to pet it.

Suddenly, the lion snatches the girl by the cuff of her jacket and yanks her against the bars, trying to pull her inside. As the girl cries out in fear, her parents stand by helpless, screaming.

Sam runs to the cage and stuns the lion with a powerful punch square on the nose. The lion jumps back, whimpering, and lets go of the girl. Sam brings her to her terrified parents, who gush an endless stream of thanks.

“Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life,” the girls’ father says.

“Why, it was nothing, really,” Sam replies. “The lion was behind bars. I just saw a little girl in danger and I acted.”

The girl’s father thanks Sam again and says, “I’m a journalist with the New York Times. I’ll make sure your heroics will be on the front page in tomorrow’s paper. So, give me a little background about yourself. What does a hero like you do for a living?”

“Well,” Sam says, “I’m in the Navy, and I’m visiting the city as part of Fleet Week.” He spends the next hour answering the reporter’s questions before they finally part ways.

The next morning, Sam wakes up and rushes out to buy a copy of the Times. The headline on the front page says:

“MILITARY THUG TORTURES AFRICAN IMMIGRANT — AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”

16 March 2006 >> In an e-mail:

Two boys in Boston were throwing a baseball around when one was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy picked up a large stick, wedged it into the dog’s collar and twisted it, snapping the dog’s neck.

A reporter from the Boston Globe who witnessed the whole incident rushes over to interview the brave boy.

The reporter pulls out his laptop and starts typing. The headline reads: “Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal.”

“But,” the boy interjects, “I’m not a Red Sox fan.”

Tapping the delete key, the reporter replies, “Sorry, but I saw you playing baseball, and since we’re here in Boston, I just figured you had to be.”

The reporter’s fingers start flying around the keyboard again. The new headline: “John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Dog Attack.”

“But I’m not a Kerry fan, either,” the boy responds.

The reporter, looking dejected, says, “Sorry young tyke. Since you’re not a Red Sox fan, I figured you were at least for Kerry.”

“Well, I’m sorry to say that’s not correct,” the boy replies. “I’m a Texas Rangers fan and I really like President Bush.”

Relieved, the reporter finally has his angle for the story: “Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

1 December 2005 @ 1:28PM >> An unsigned joke via e-mail:

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, remember this story...

Bob and Sarah are driving from Key West to Boston to visit their daughter in college. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, so they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk gives them a bill for $350. Bob explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms are certainly not worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, Bob insists on speaking to the manager. The manager appears, listens to Bob, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool, a huge conference center, and free wireless Internet available for their use.

“But we didn’t use them,” Bob complains.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” the manager replies.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows.”

“Well, we have them, and you could have.”

No matter what facility the manager mentions, Bob replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved, and eventually Bob gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager.

The manager takes the check and looks at it, confused. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $50.”

“That’s right,” says Bob. “I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.”

Taken aback, the manager exclaims, “Sir! I did not sleep with your wife!”

“Well, that’s too bad,” Bob replies. “Because she was here, and you could have.”

28 December 2004 @ 2:16PM >> I recently received this joke in an e-mail:

Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, along with a U.S. Marine assigned to protect them, were hiking through the Iraqi desert one day when they were captured by terrorists. They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the al Qaeda leader in Iraq.

Zarqawi said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?”

Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.” Zarqawi nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

Peter Jennings said, “I am Canadian, so I’d like to hear the song ‘O Canada’ one last time.” Zarqawi nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Zarqawi turned and said, “And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine.

“What?” asked Zarqawi. “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled out a 9mm pistol hidden in his cammies, and shot Zarqawi dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the remaining terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, they were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Jennings, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?”

“What,” replied the Marine, “and have you assholes call me the aggressor?”

24 June 2004 @ 2:19PM >> A reader recently forwarded me the following:

A Harvard undergrad returns home on break. The conversation at the welcome home dinner inevitably turns to her schooling.

“I’ve become an enlightened liberal,” the English lit student declares proudly. The conversation then turns to her study habits, free time and the like.

Daughter: “Free time? What free time? I barely have time to eat. I’m working like a dog —- but I’m making dean’s list!”

Father: “And how is your best friend Michelle doing?”

Daughter: “She works, but has different parties, I, uh mean, priorities. Her GPA is hitting rock bottom. She’s pretty smart, but she was warned that if she doesn’t clean up her act, then she’ll be booted.”

Father: “Now, you wouldn’t want that. Why don’t you go to the dean’s office and offer to transfer some of your GPA to Michelle so you both can be equal?”

Daughter: “Why in the world would I do that!? I work hard. I push myself. I do what I must without any excuses. Michelle is capable. If she wanted to succeed like me, she would.”

Father: “Are you sure that your English lit courses don’t include a class in poli-sci? You’ve managed to succinctly articulate the differences between conservatives and liberals.”

The source cited is Jewish World Report and is credited to by Chaim Gantz of Brooklyn, New York.