The U.N. General Assembly approved a global treaty Wednesday aimed at preventing nuclear terrorism by making it a crime for would-be terrorists to possess or threaten to use nuclear weapons or radioactive material.
Upon hearing the news, Osama bin Laden sounded despondent. “I guess we’ll just have to pack it in,” the al Qaeda leader said. “The last thing we’d want is to be considered criminals, least of all by the U.N. Those powder blue helmets scare the shit out of me. People with such atrocious fashion sense are clearly not pansies.”
Reached for comment somewhere in western Iraq along the Syrian border, Abu Musab al Zarqawi struck a bitter note. “We’ve been busting our asses for years to get our hands on that material. Now they go and make it illegal? And not even the courtesy of a little advance notice! What’s up with that? All those calls to Sudan...you know how big my satellite phone bill is? Verizon’s been breaking my balls on overages.”
Bin Laden, resigned to his new fate, appeared more serene than his Jordanian counterpart. “It isn’t easy switching careers at my age,” the lanky leader said. “But what choice do I have?” Though he’s now applying for a job as a mule groomer in Kandahar, bin Laden remains proud of his past accomplishments. “We had a good run.”
